Me, normal? Hardly. Thanks God! :)

The other night I found myself saying "I just want to be normal!".  I promise that this isn't the first time I've said this.  Usually when the phrase comes out of my mouth, it involves some sort of jealousy or guilt.  Maybe I've seen a "society perfect figure" eating a cheeseburger, or I yet again became obsessed with the scale and gained a pound this past week after eating lettuce wraps for lunch, or I gave into sloth and decided to lay in bed rather than go for a walk....You get the picture.  My addiction speaks to me and to others in many different forms, and leaves me sometimes wishing that I was "normal".  My first question I have to ask myself- Dear self, (I've become quite formal these days) What the heck is normal?  Society has many ideas of what is... perfect- the barbie body, the many dieting and weight loss commercials...the cover of any "Allure" magazine will give you the hint...but since when have I ever listened to society?...oops...problem number 1.  I think I have come to the conclusion that none of us are normal.  Isn't that the beauty of being a child of God?  He didn't give us all the same gifts!  He gave us special gifts to enable us to do His will.  I can only do what God has willed for me.  You can only do what God has willed for you.  I cannot do what God has willed anyone else to do.  There is a unique plan for each of us.  So maybe normal is just another word for plain. In which case- welcome to the club of being "Not Normal" or gifted and uniquely formed for purpose and divine love.  Boom.  Things just got real.  Another thing that is closely related to this is a quote I read.  "Where you invest your love, you invest your life".  I so often spend all of my time focused in my addiction, in my eating disorder, in my illness, that I in a way nourish it, welcome it...love it.  What if I invested my love in myself and in the Lord.  Wouldn't that just make sense?  I can only begin to imagine the life that I could have.  Now, don't get me wrong, I swing this sometimes, and those days are such a breath of fresh air.  But instead of bringing myself down, by questioning my normalcy, wouldn't it be just more time worthy to say, Hey Lord, I'm struggling, I need you.  I'm going to love You today, because I know how much You love me.  I know that You are the divine healer, that You have the answers I search for.  I know that You have the directions, that I need to let You steer.  Lord today I'm going to allow myself to be loved, I'm going to use my unique gifts to fulfill Your will for me, for the world.  I'm going to love myself.  Tonight, as i sit, candles lit,the smell of autumn in the air, the crisp cool air causing my arms to be filled with goosebumps,  I allow the new season to be an opportunity for openness and new love.  I invite God into my life today, I open myself for miracles, I invite in Recovery.  I pray for all those who suffer with illness, addictions, and those who go feeling unloved.  May our Lord, wrap His arms around us all. May we use our unique gifts to make the world a beautiful place.  May we recognize our self worth, our dignity, our beauty, and may we always know we are loved.

A different place, but all one journey

I've come to realize that the minute we think we have it all figured out, we aren't doing something right.  Usually, for me that means praying, but that's a story for another day.  An amazing man in my life would always tell me- Ego stands for Edging. God. Out. And, when we think we have it all figured out, it is our ego that needs to be taken down a notch.  It's been difficult for me to accept, but today I am in a very different place than I was last year.  And if I'm being completely honest, I'm in a very different place than I was last month, and only God knows what tomorrow will bring.  The only thing I know is that I MUST trust that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be.  I believe with my whole heart that the story of your journey with your Higher Power, whoever you may call Him, I choose to call Him Jesus, is the most powerful story in the world.  There is no greater love story than the story of how much you are loved by Your Devine Healer and Creator.  In the place I am today, my love story contains wounds, questions, and confusion.  I like to think that my love story should look different.  That I should know all of the answers.  That I should be leading others and be comfortable praying for one hour every single day.  I think that as a Catholic Woman, I should be in a different place.  But, when I take a step back, I realize that this is my desire to control and to have it all figured out.  This is my ego.  My journey with Jesus will look different every day, but if I continue to love with my whole heart, and search for Him, and pray to Him, and have faith in him-isn't that faith in itself?  Knowing that God has put you right where you belong, and trusting that if we don't get it right, He will redirect us to where He wants us to be- because He loves us so entirely and wonderfully- more than anything or anyone, so much so that He wants us to have a beautiful and wonderful life so that we can shine His light on every single one of His children.  Isn't faith crying out to the Lord and saying- I have vices, I have brokenness, I am imperfect, I make mistakes, I have addictions, I am afraid of this or that, yet I reach my hand out to you God, and I trust that you will guide me.  It is not only my feet that walk my journey with Christ, but the feet of angels in heaven and on earth that help me along the way.  It is my brokenness, it is my joy, it is my prayers, it is my sins, it is every single part of me- the good and bad- that bring me to my real human self.  I may want to be in a different place, I may want to know all of the answers, but today I need to humble and say- thank you God for who I am TODAY, and help me be the woman or man you have made me to be.  Help me to see where I am made for more in my life.  Help me to be free of the chains of my addictions.  Help me to shine your light and be humble. .  . . .   I struggle with the idea of relativism at times, but in this case, I will tell you that your faith journey is your faith journey and whatever truth you find, follow it.  God will lead you to the exact space that you are supposed to be, and I pray that we all find the most holiest of communion with the mighty power of love that has created us.  I will end with a gratitude list for which I pray that I may be held accountable to each day so I can awknowledge all of the beautiful things in my life:
1. I am thankful for Jesus Christ, that He gives me the opportunity for new life each day.
2. I am thankful for the Catholic church and all of the holy men and women who have helped me on my faith journey.
3. I am thankful for all religions, for in all of it, I find God.
4. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, who reminds me to reach out my arms to the Lord everyday, because without Him, I have no life in me.
5. I am thankful for my mistakes.
6. I am thankful for the idea of acceptance of the person I am.
7. I am thankful for the opportunity to write down the things that get stuck in my head.
8. I am thankful for love. Both perfect and Imperfect.
9. I am thankful for the forgiveness of my God.
10. I am thankful for both relativism, and for single truths, and my journey in discovering what that means.

On that note I will end with my final and most deepest of prayers:
May we always remember we are loved.