Planning is the pits...or is it?

 As anyone reading this probably knows, on January 30th, the day after I received one year of abstinence from cumpulsive eating and eating behaviors through the grace of God, the love of my life, my best friend, proposed.  It will forever be one of the most joyous days of my life.  A little over two months later and it feels like yesterday!  I can remember so vividly my father handing me a rose and telling me, "Sage has a question for you".  The next year should be full of cherished moments where I can smell the rose, see my father's eyes, hear sage's voice, however so far, it hasn't been quite like that.
Two months into the planning process and we've done so much (maybe too much)!  The venue is booked, the bridal party is chosen, the engagement party has been had, the flowers are picked, the DJ is ready, the photographers and videographers are contracted...things are set in place.  Every moment I spend with Sage is a joyous one and moments that are remembered.  But it is the moment when I loose sight of why we wed that I struggle. What am I struggling with?

1) The opinons of what should and should not be. The average cost of a wedding is a little over $30,000.  This girl refuses to spend that much on one day!  Well, at least I thought I did!  Those "required" items start to rack up the bill quite quickly.  Before you know it, you are well past that $30,000 mark.  Then you get the, "You must have flowers.  You can't have this, you must have this.  You spent too much here, but not enough there.  The dress isn't important, the dress is the most important".  People pleasers beware- planning your day is not for the push over.  It gets increasingly harder for me to remember that this day is what Sage and I want- not anyone else.

2) Weddings can bring out the good, the bad, and the ugly....the very very ugly.  Jealousy is one of those character defects that I think we all carry at times.  I can remember for a long time, because paitience is a virtue that I am still very much in need of, getting so jealous and angry every time someone announced their engagement on facebook.  How quick I am to think that the entire world revolves around me!  From titles, to centerpiece decisions, dress choices, and more... it seems to be so difficult for me to remember that for the first time in a long time, this is actually about me and sage!  I can make choices based on us!  Yay!  Yet at the same time...it is so hard! When the ugly comes out of those I love (though their intentions may be good) the ugly comes right out of me as well.  I either snap and get angry, or I fall back into making decisions based on what others want instead of making those decisions with my best friend who I am to marry.

3) Have you noticed a common theme?  I am a people pleaser.  Hands down, no doubt about it.  It is time to give this character defect to God and move on.  The first vow (before the actual vows) I am making in this process is to not worry about anyone else but Sage and myself.  I will do what I believe is the next right thing, and leave the rest for God. I need not please anyone but Him.

Overall planning hasn't been the pits.  But I have slowly been seeing that I have begun to dig myself into a pit of worrying that I may offend someone because they didn't get what they want, or worrying that a friend will have hurt feelings because I didn't ask them to be in my wedding, or not living up to someone else's expectations.  That pit is not one that I am willing to allow myself to fall into.  One year from now I marry my best friend with a blessing from Jesus Christ who will protect and love us fully until our souls re-unite in heaven.  He is the only one that I ever have to please, and thanks be to God that he is merciful and knows that I am not perfect!

Prayers to all my fellow brides out there!  May this be a time of great blessing and joy for you.  To those who are supporting the bride:  may you be filled with joy for your loved ones, knowing that no matter what, you are loved and adored.  To the grooms-to-be- Good LUCK!  Just kidding- may you lead your brides down a path of holiness and find deeper connection to your Father in heaven.  May you use our Lord as an example of love and protect your bride-to-be's heart and entrust your love to Jesus Christ.

P.S
Happy Good Friday.  The saddest day brings us the greatest gift.  My Jesus, for all the times I have scourged you- forgive me.  You take away death's sting and love beyond limits.  What a wonderful reminder that we are loved into existence, beyond our understanding.

Xo

Me, normal? Hardly. Thanks God! :)

The other night I found myself saying "I just want to be normal!".  I promise that this isn't the first time I've said this.  Usually when the phrase comes out of my mouth, it involves some sort of jealousy or guilt.  Maybe I've seen a "society perfect figure" eating a cheeseburger, or I yet again became obsessed with the scale and gained a pound this past week after eating lettuce wraps for lunch, or I gave into sloth and decided to lay in bed rather than go for a walk....You get the picture.  My addiction speaks to me and to others in many different forms, and leaves me sometimes wishing that I was "normal".  My first question I have to ask myself- Dear self, (I've become quite formal these days) What the heck is normal?  Society has many ideas of what is... perfect- the barbie body, the many dieting and weight loss commercials...the cover of any "Allure" magazine will give you the hint...but since when have I ever listened to society?...oops...problem number 1.  I think I have come to the conclusion that none of us are normal.  Isn't that the beauty of being a child of God?  He didn't give us all the same gifts!  He gave us special gifts to enable us to do His will.  I can only do what God has willed for me.  You can only do what God has willed for you.  I cannot do what God has willed anyone else to do.  There is a unique plan for each of us.  So maybe normal is just another word for plain. In which case- welcome to the club of being "Not Normal" or gifted and uniquely formed for purpose and divine love.  Boom.  Things just got real.  Another thing that is closely related to this is a quote I read.  "Where you invest your love, you invest your life".  I so often spend all of my time focused in my addiction, in my eating disorder, in my illness, that I in a way nourish it, welcome it...love it.  What if I invested my love in myself and in the Lord.  Wouldn't that just make sense?  I can only begin to imagine the life that I could have.  Now, don't get me wrong, I swing this sometimes, and those days are such a breath of fresh air.  But instead of bringing myself down, by questioning my normalcy, wouldn't it be just more time worthy to say, Hey Lord, I'm struggling, I need you.  I'm going to love You today, because I know how much You love me.  I know that You are the divine healer, that You have the answers I search for.  I know that You have the directions, that I need to let You steer.  Lord today I'm going to allow myself to be loved, I'm going to use my unique gifts to fulfill Your will for me, for the world.  I'm going to love myself.  Tonight, as i sit, candles lit,the smell of autumn in the air, the crisp cool air causing my arms to be filled with goosebumps,  I allow the new season to be an opportunity for openness and new love.  I invite God into my life today, I open myself for miracles, I invite in Recovery.  I pray for all those who suffer with illness, addictions, and those who go feeling unloved.  May our Lord, wrap His arms around us all. May we use our unique gifts to make the world a beautiful place.  May we recognize our self worth, our dignity, our beauty, and may we always know we are loved.

A different place, but all one journey

I've come to realize that the minute we think we have it all figured out, we aren't doing something right.  Usually, for me that means praying, but that's a story for another day.  An amazing man in my life would always tell me- Ego stands for Edging. God. Out. And, when we think we have it all figured out, it is our ego that needs to be taken down a notch.  It's been difficult for me to accept, but today I am in a very different place than I was last year.  And if I'm being completely honest, I'm in a very different place than I was last month, and only God knows what tomorrow will bring.  The only thing I know is that I MUST trust that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be.  I believe with my whole heart that the story of your journey with your Higher Power, whoever you may call Him, I choose to call Him Jesus, is the most powerful story in the world.  There is no greater love story than the story of how much you are loved by Your Devine Healer and Creator.  In the place I am today, my love story contains wounds, questions, and confusion.  I like to think that my love story should look different.  That I should know all of the answers.  That I should be leading others and be comfortable praying for one hour every single day.  I think that as a Catholic Woman, I should be in a different place.  But, when I take a step back, I realize that this is my desire to control and to have it all figured out.  This is my ego.  My journey with Jesus will look different every day, but if I continue to love with my whole heart, and search for Him, and pray to Him, and have faith in him-isn't that faith in itself?  Knowing that God has put you right where you belong, and trusting that if we don't get it right, He will redirect us to where He wants us to be- because He loves us so entirely and wonderfully- more than anything or anyone, so much so that He wants us to have a beautiful and wonderful life so that we can shine His light on every single one of His children.  Isn't faith crying out to the Lord and saying- I have vices, I have brokenness, I am imperfect, I make mistakes, I have addictions, I am afraid of this or that, yet I reach my hand out to you God, and I trust that you will guide me.  It is not only my feet that walk my journey with Christ, but the feet of angels in heaven and on earth that help me along the way.  It is my brokenness, it is my joy, it is my prayers, it is my sins, it is every single part of me- the good and bad- that bring me to my real human self.  I may want to be in a different place, I may want to know all of the answers, but today I need to humble and say- thank you God for who I am TODAY, and help me be the woman or man you have made me to be.  Help me to see where I am made for more in my life.  Help me to be free of the chains of my addictions.  Help me to shine your light and be humble. .  . . .   I struggle with the idea of relativism at times, but in this case, I will tell you that your faith journey is your faith journey and whatever truth you find, follow it.  God will lead you to the exact space that you are supposed to be, and I pray that we all find the most holiest of communion with the mighty power of love that has created us.  I will end with a gratitude list for which I pray that I may be held accountable to each day so I can awknowledge all of the beautiful things in my life:
1. I am thankful for Jesus Christ, that He gives me the opportunity for new life each day.
2. I am thankful for the Catholic church and all of the holy men and women who have helped me on my faith journey.
3. I am thankful for all religions, for in all of it, I find God.
4. I am thankful for my wonderful boyfriend, who reminds me to reach out my arms to the Lord everyday, because without Him, I have no life in me.
5. I am thankful for my mistakes.
6. I am thankful for the idea of acceptance of the person I am.
7. I am thankful for the opportunity to write down the things that get stuck in my head.
8. I am thankful for love. Both perfect and Imperfect.
9. I am thankful for the forgiveness of my God.
10. I am thankful for both relativism, and for single truths, and my journey in discovering what that means.

On that note I will end with my final and most deepest of prayers:
May we always remember we are loved.

I never did enjoy taking the easy way out...

I've come to the realization that my life as a Catholic will never be "Easy". Some people in my church will make mistakes and give my faith a bad rep., people will falsely accuse me of many things, I will continually be judged, I will give my whole heart to each person knowing that I may not receive any love in return, I will prayerfully battle for things that the world does not understand, I will continuously be misunderstood by those who have no interest in seeking what I really believe, I will be called closed-minded by those whose minds are already closed, I will not be encouraged to act on emotions alone, and I will not do things because they "FEEL" good, and so much more. I will carry many crosses..with much joy. Because, I know what the church is and what it is meant to be. I see the good it does, and I know its' love. I know the presence of Christ, and I see it's truth shine to the darkest places on this earth. I know "the way, the truth, and the life" lies where Christ has lead me. I know it's a miracle that I was brought to the Catholic Church, and nothing can break that. Thanks be to God that He has made me a fighter along with so many beautiful souls to stand up for our beloved Church, and to radically say, I am proud to be a Catholic.

The two most important things in my life.. Jesus AND Religion

So, I'm sure you've seen the video that went viral on youtube "Why I love Jesus and Not Religion". If your facebook was anything like mine was last night, you would have had the oppurtunity to watch it via friends "share"s 20+ times. Their words to describe the video: "moving", "beautiful", "truth", "a step in the right direction", were much different than mine. I found myself thinking "wounded", "heart-breaking", and "persecution".

You see, some of his points are valid, and I know his heart is in the right place. However, this video persecutes all of those who do try to follow Him and love Him and have a personal relatinoship with Him. It's man that can get it messed up sometimes, not religion. It makes me question why in our culture it has become an extremely popular sport to attack religion, especially when it comes to Christianity- the MOST persecuted religion in the world. Why is it so sociably acceptable to attack those who try to follow Christ? Why is it more popular to see an attack on "tebowing", which is nothing more than a man who wants to give thanks to his creator, on the news rather than the war in Iraq? Why is it sociably more acceptable to hate a Catholic than be one? These are all questions whos answers I am not sure of yet. But one thing I do know is that there are many wounds in our society from our culture, especially in my generation. It is much easier to go with the flow of things than stand up and say "I am made for more, and I choose to live my life in a radically beautiful way, head over heels in love with my creator". It is hard to rise up and say, "I belive in chastity" or even just a simple "I believe in God". And sometimes, we find those who have been wounded by, yes, religious people, who instead of saying "You are loved and worth more than our culture of death can ever tell you", they have said "you are a sinner, and you are doomed". If I could take the hand of each person who has been wounded in some way, I would say, find Christ. Find the truth of Him and hate what someone thought religion was, not what it is really is. Religion is not bad. It is a tool that brings us closer to Christ. If I could rap, my message would be this:

I understand that you've been hurt by the things that people say,

by the one's who tried themselves to save you instead of letting Jesus lead the way.

I get it sounds like only rules and things you have to follow,

but finding truth will bring you peace and your heart will never be hollow.

You see, He didn't hate religion, no He didn't hate at all

The bad you've heard is evil, it's weakened man cuz of The Fall.

No religion isn't perfect, but God is so much more,

and I beg you to keep on searching before you the close the door.

The love from Christ IS perfect, it's intimate and pure,

But if there were no hospitals than we'd never have a cure.

Don't persecute religion, no don't persecute at all

cuz that's where our wounds come from-the judgement not the law.

I ask you to keep on seeking

for His love- it will change your life

Cuz religion is a tool to lead you to our savior Jesus Christ.

Please read: http://youngandcatholic.net/2012/01/why-i-love-jesus-and-religion/.

I ask you to pray for all those who have closed the door on religion and ultimately finding God, and for all those who dedicate their lives to bringing the fullness of truth to our brothers and sisters in Christ Jesus.

Peace of Christ be with you. <3

He Gives and Takes Away

"Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat upon them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; he will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes" Revelation 7:16-17

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. We may never understand in this lifetime why bad things happen, especially when it comes to death. One thing I can at times understand however, is why He gives. A good friend of mine from middle school passed away. I had not talked to her for about a year, but she was never forgotten. She was a true light of Christ and a disciple of the Lord. When I look at my own faith journey, it really began with her friendship. She never had to tell me "this is the way to live your life", she only ever showed me by her actions and love. Saint Anthony of Padua says this perfectly, "Actions speak louder than words; let your words teach and your actions speak." I give many thanks to the Lord for placing such a beautiful daughter of God in my life. As I continue on with my own journey towards heaven, I will forever remember her faith, joy, and courage as an example of how to be a true missionary. And, as I experience my own trials through the missionary work I will begin next year, I will hold her example in my heart. I know she will be watching from heaven. I can understand that she was placed on this earth to spread His love. Many conversions came about through her. He gave her to us to be "The light of the world and salt of the earth."
In this lifetime, I may not comprehend many of the sufferings we experience. But I hold close to my heart the blessings that He has given.

Please lift up many prayers for the Lindblad family.

RIP Lauren <3 http://obits.lehighvalleylive.com/obituaries/etpa/obituary.aspx?page=lifestory&pid=155124200

Something to remember...

"Let nothing disturb you. Let nothing
frighten you.

All things are passing away; God never
changes.

Patience obtains all things. Whoever has
God

lacks nothing; God alone
suffices".

- St. Teresa of Avila

May Christ's peace be always in our hearts.